forgiveness.

forgiveness is a non-tangible thing. which means it cannot be touched, tasted, smelled, seen, or heard. forgiveness is also a very hard thing to give to someone else, especially when someone has caused hurt to you. we all know the feelings that are associated with forgiveness, whether it be the grace or receiving it, or the power it takes to give it away.

"the last kiss", directed by zach braff, tells the story of a man whose girlfriend of 3 years is pregnant with his child. in his own mind, he convinces himself that he is trapped and that his life holds no more surprises down the road. he meets a young college student and eventually becomes romantically involved with her, following a fight with his girlfriend. the fight occurred because zach's character, michael, lied to his girlfriend, jenna, about where he was that evening.

when she finds out that he has slept with another woman, she tells herself that it's over forever, a reasonable reaction for a woman 3 months pregnant with his daughter. but michael, admitting he does not know how bad she is hurt and what it feels like to be her decides that he is not going to give up. he sits on the porch of the two's apartment for days, through the rain, sleeping on the wooden deck in every imaginable position. neighbors see him and begin to sympathize, and bring him water to drink. slowly, jenna sees his devotion and begins to give a bit. she throws him a blanket, brings him 2 slices of bread, etc. at the end of the movie, jenna lets michael back into their apartment, then the credits roll.

this ending is open-ended, leaving no real resolution to the problem. but it does give hope that just maybe, jenna has forgiven michael for doing the most terrible thing imaginable.

although this is cinema, a realm that is often very far-removed from the real world that we live in, it shows a situation that could not possibly be worse. a man cheating on his gf who if pregnant with his child. this much is clear. he really does not deserve her forgiveness for what he has done, because he has hurt her in a way that he will never really understand. but the beautiful thing is that even though she does not need to forgive him, she may see that even though he made mistakes, he still loved her.

jenna's father, while confronting michael for the first time after he broke the news to jenna, told him, "when you say you love someone it doesn't really matter. what you say to someone only really matters to you. but what you do to the people you love, that's what counts."

this hit me pretty hard. i've always been able to talk my way out of trouble, since i was young. but being in a similar situation in my life, i've learned that the advice given to michael by jenna's father, is nothing short of 110% true. the words spoken by someone who does not have the respect or trust of the other person never have a real chance of making an impact. no matter how many "i'm sorry's" you throw out, it doesn't really make a difference. and through painful experience, i've learned that as well.

our actions, not our words, are the way that we can achieve forgiveness, if it is truly meant to be. only through a caring, compassionate and loving heart can an act such as that be truly forgiven.

"don't ever give up, because that's the only way you will ever fail."

what i'm looking for, can't be sold to me

it's weird how sometimes it takes something nearly awful to make you see the amazing..

my sister and i were very nearly in a car accident this past weekend, and if it were not for her, who knows where we would be right now. a telephone pole meeting a car at 60 mph.. it just doesn't work out well for anyone involved.

but the point of this is, with that incident, i've realized that everything single cliched thing that every person has ever said about taking life for granted is painfully true, no matter how bad it may sound in a Nickelback song. i figure that it's time to stop emitting negative energy into the world around me. i've done it for long enough. i don't have time to waste on it.

i think of how many things i have yet to do, people i have yet to meet, and places i have not yet seen, and it frightens me that in no time at all, it could be meaningless.

but i still plan on dipping my toes into the sand at Bora Bora. i still plan on being mystified by the love of my life everytime i look her way. i still plan on making a record with my words and music. and i also plan on holding my children on the hammock outside my back porch door.

while everyone scampers around everyday, being what everyone else wants them to be, i hope that i will be the one bumping into them, and making them wonder; i will be staring at a tree, looking at the passing people,making up stories about who they are and where they're going, or gazing into the warm, summer, night sky.

because that's where i really belong.

Conor Oberst wishes us all a Happy Valentine's Day

Lately I've been wishing I had one desire
Something that would make me never want another
Something that would make it so that nothing mattered
All would be clear then
But I guess I'll have to settle for a few brief moments
And watch it all dissolve into a single second
And try to write it down into a perfect sonnet or one foolish line'
Cause that's all that you'll get so you'll have to accept
You are here then you're gone
But I believe that lovers should be tied together
Thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather
left there to drown
Left there to drown in their innocence
But as for me I'm coming to the final chapter
I read all of the pages and there is still no answer
Only all that was before
I know must soon come after
That is the only way it can be
So I stand in the sun
And I breathe with my lungs
Trying to spare me the weight of the truth
Saying everything you've ever seen was just a mirror
And you've spent your whole life sweating in an endless fever
And now you are laying in a bathtub full of freezing water
Wishing you were a ghost
But once you knew a girl and you named her Lover
And danced with her in kitchens through the greenest summer
But autumn came, She disappeared
You can't remember where she said she was going to
But you know that she's gone 'cause she left you a song
That you don't want to sing
We're singing
I believe that lovers should be chained together
And thrown into a fire with their songs and letters
And left there to burn
Left there to burn in their arrogance
But as for me I'm coming to my final failure
I've killed myself with changes trying to make things better
But I ended up becoming something other than what I had planned to be
Now I believe that lovers should be draped in flowers
And layed entwined together on a bed of clover
And left there to sleep
Left there to dream of their happiness..

be$t buy

Be$t Buy

Our world is in a state of disarray. Every time you turn on the news you hear of violence in some part of the world. What is the cause of all of this? Why do people hate each other so much? And why, is America on the heavy end of that abuse. Last semester I had an epiphany. And all at once, it seemed so clear to me.

About 5 months ago, I walked into best buy with my roommate to try and get a pair or computer speakers repaired. It was while I was standing still in the midst of all the electronic buzz around me that it all suddenly became so clear. I almost in one instant knew why every country outside of ours despises us. Why in radical Islamic countries, children are taught to hate Americans, to kill Americans, and to do anything in their power to disrupt our way of life. We act so confused and upset about this fact. How could these people who live so far away from us, hate us so much? To find the reason we must start the search from within.

As I was standing at the geek squad desk with my friend, I turned around to face the back of store, and what were my eyes greeted with? It was a wall of televisions that was at least 15' high. And it was also something else... it was on sale. Now to me, this extreme form of excess is just unnecessary. I mean how could that even be comfortable to watch? But to others, who do not know, and will never even come close to fathoming the means it would take to purchase such an item, what else could they think? How could they not view us as stupid? As a ridiculous, wasteful, and insecure people.

To me, someone who buys something like that is just that. insecure. you don't buy a 30' TV because it brings you inner peace, or happiness. it may on Sundays, when we like to watch football, but soon it will rot away in the corner of your home, just like all the other "toys" you have bought. we buy things like that so that others will admire us, and worse than admiration, we want their envy. we want them to idolize us for the huge TV we have. we want them to feel greedy towards us and wish that they had as much money as we did. with this mentality, it's quite easy to see why we garner so much anger from the global community. and why, until we change our selfish ways, we will be locked in a never-ending struggle of culture.

Samuel Huntington proposed his "Clash of Civilizations" thesis in the late 1990's and it seemed to be proven beyond a shadow of doubt with the incidents that occurred on September 11th. he proposed that conflict is more likely to occur between states of different civilizations. a "civilization", according to Huntington, is "the highest cultural grouping of people and the broadest level of cultural identity people have short of that which distinguishes humans from other species." He also goes on to say that the central defining characteristic of a civilization is its religion. He lists nine major historical religions to which he assigns every state. They are Sinic, Japanese, Hindu, Islamic, Orthodox, Western, Latin American, Buddhist, and possibly African. And finally, according to Huntington, "people rally to those with similar ancestry, religion, language, values, and institutions, and distance themselves from those with different characteristics." This is the key.

Much research has been done to disprove or modify Huntington's theory, but I believe that the basis of his argument is true. People flock together according to similar beliefs and interests, and tend to be ethnocentric and very counteractive towards anything or anyone who is different. That is why we look at almost every other country in confusion at the things that they do. We fail to try and understand why things are the way they are before we try to act and change them so that they are more suitable to our agenda. Such is the case in Iraq.

The purpose of this is not to be anti-war propaganda. Because to be anti-war at this point in time does no good for anyone. If you look in the newspapers, everyday there are reports of 10's if not 100's of Iraqi's being killed. Daily. This past week alone, over 1000 Iraqi's were killed according to a CNN report. And yes, CNN is biased towards the left, but the fact that people are being killed in overwhelming numbers in undeniable.It seems that we Americans have gone blind to the fact that thousands are dying. We know we are at war. and we know causalities must come. But, at what point, is enough, enough. At what point do we need to re-think our plan. At what point do we need to change our focus from "freeing" a people, to "saving" a people.

This is how the war and our differing mindsets come together. For us, our biggest worry is whether or not we can get that promotion, so we can buy a new car, or take our wives on a vacation to some exotic island in the south pacific. But for other inhabitants of this earth, their worries center on trying to avoid being killed walking down the street. Trying to keep their children out of random gunfire bursting throughout the neighborhood street. Or dodging a truck full of explosives aimed at a marketplace.

Again this is not an anti-war speech. This is, in fact, an anti-greed speech.

While we spend $60 on t-shirts at the mall, children dig through landfills just to find enough to feed their families. While we contemplate which new LCD flat-screen HDTV we need to get before next football season, women are forced to work 70hr. weeks in sweatshops being paid, sometimes, less than 10 cents an hour. And even taking into account the fact that the standard of living in a country such as Bangladesh is much lower than here, take into account the social ramifications of a work week such as that. Children with no one at home to care for them, and most of the time forced to work themselves.

What we need in this nation is a change. Not a political change. Not a change from Republican to Democrat. Not even a change from liberal to conservative. We need a change in our minds. We need to shift our way of thinking. We need to realize that we have so much in our nation. Even the people who are "poor", have so much. If we claim to be a humanitarian nation, we must be such. We must not feel compelled to work just to accrue more possessions. If we do this, we might just be on our way to solving our problems. The problems of hatred, and violence that have plagued us.

Back to Best Buy. The next time you feel the urge to go buy a new ipod, or stereo system, just take a moment and look around. Take everything in that you see. All the goods, all the excess that surrounds you. Then, just for a minute, imagine yourself as a person who lives far, far away in a country where a year's wage could maybe make a dent into some of the down payments. Think of how lost they would feel. how alienated. How indescribably confused and angry they would be. Seeing us run around like we have someone to go. Grabbing as many things as we can, and swiping our plastic cards and run out just as fast as we had run in. Just think of how that would feel. Just for a minute.

We need a change of our mental state. Because right now, that is the state that is in the most disarray.


-I need to give a lot of credit to one of my former professors, Dr. Errol Henderson, for a lot of his research was included in this.

idiot box

are we doomed to live our lives more worried about who is sleeping with who on grey's anatomy? or why does paula abdul always seem so strung out? what oprah has decided to hide under her audiences' seats? or how many times jack bauer will kick someone else in the face during one hour-long episode of 24. Obviously, it has a hold of me to. But while we walk around everyday, sometimes oblivious to everything around us, we wonder, why can't someone worry about me. Why can't someone count how many times I kick someone in the face in the next hour. The truth is, we aren't that interesting. The standards of our view of reality are so unrealistic, that when we learn we cannot attain them, the let down can be terrible. When we realize that instead of living in a house with 7 strangers, where my biggest duty is to get drunk and make a fool of myself for other people to watch, we have to actually get a job.. and work for a living. It hurts.

In truth, we just aren't that interesting. Compared to Jack bauer at least. We all dream of lives where we are rockstars, or FBI agents, or safari photographers, but wheat it boils down to is that we all lean back. we stay safe, not testing the waters. Perhpas the only way to be like jack Bauer, is to actually WANT to be like Jack Bauer. And act accordingly. So go out on the street, find someone who you think looks suspicious, and tackle them. you can always claim citizen;s arrest. But just remember, identify your target before you throw a roundhouse chuck norris style towards their head.

Television governs us. It sets our daily schedule, it tells us where to eat, what to eat, who to like and who to hate. It tells us who to vote for, what clothes to buy, and which truck will make us more of a man. Toby Keith says Ford. As I grow to be a parent, I hope that somehow I can steer my children clear of the eminent doom to which they are destined for. I wonder what I would be like if I had never seen a television up until this point. Would I need the glasses that i wear? Would I have purchased all those clothes all through-out Jr. High? Would I know almost every episode of The O.C. by heart? most certainly not the latter. But would that be a life worth living? Not being able to find inside of someone else's reality for one hour. To escpae the mundane, for the extraordinary. We all are guilty.

But just remember, not matter what Toby Keith tells you, or how many times you hear John Mellancamp sing "Our Country", your truck won't make you more of a man. or more of an american. it really boils down to one statement.

"It's not the size of the truck, it's the size of the arms hanging out the window."

it's funny sometimes. how dependent we are on others. how utterly incapable we are as humans to rely on ourselves for almost anything we do. my greatest fear is being alone. not having another peron to confide in, to laugh with, to cry with, and to hold. human contact is a must, for all. anyone who has ever sat alone in your room, knows the feeling i'm talking about. sometimes, solitude can help us, but after a while, it only ends up haunting us. so again, while i sit here alone in my room typing this, i'm longing. i need to learn to appreciate myself. really love myself. not just the things that are attractive, but the things that are ugly as well. only then, i think, will the pressure to have someone else, truly lift away. when i can love myself for who i am, i am then free to love someone else for exactly who they are.

and by the way, don't ever feel like you have no where to go. if it really comes down to it, pack up some clothing, and just drive. we have more freedom than we think we do. all of us are constricted by different things, whether it be work, school, significant other, but deep inside all of us there will always be the instinct to want to be free. or maybe just more free than we think we are. just go. don't think twice. just go.